A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar
so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you
get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"
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The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."
Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"
At this point Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"
Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
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I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.