You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. – George Burns

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. – Emo Philips

If at first you don’t succeed … so much for skydiving. – Henny Youngman

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? – Bill Murray

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. – Bob Monkhouse

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many” – and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”. – Robin Williams

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. – Marilyn Monroe

I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know, so they have to run a little. – Bill Murray

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Douglas Adams

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much. – Oscar Wilde

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. – Greg King

I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about 10 at night. – Bill Hicks

The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

I’m not addicted to coke. I just love the way it smells. – Richard Pryor

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. – Billy Sunday

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. – Franklin Jones